I've been thinking. I don't suspect, but know, that I'm going through that phase which is: reflection, retrospection, introspection which everyone goes through. Sparked largely by Ben (my fellow devil's advocate, thinker, and in all other aspects, a muse), it gave me nothing short of post-modern insights into myself.

Reflection

01 It started with...
...my being hard-handed. Ben tactfully called it "the need to learn how to make others see my point of view".
Given.
I suppose I'm losing it a little, forgetting once again to watch myself; Knowing this, I will change. Any input to make me a better person is worth being grateful for, so, thank you Benben ^_^

02 The second point...
was that I was feeling left out: that nasty feeling of smallness which shrinks your rationality and being.
Last night Ben and I shared a cab back, and he was stressing how Lorri, Jo and he have a great friendship, built on sharing of problems and feedback.
Then I commented, "Sometimes I feel left out."
"From what?"
"You three."
"We three accept whoever comes along who accepts us as we are (and then a brief pause) why should anyone feel that not belonging matters? The should not place their self-worth on belonging, do you see?"
I see.
I just shrugged, saying, "Even though you say that, perhaps subconciously you already form your own boundaries."
Following that, Ben went on to give me a theory on the concious and subconcious realisation, saying that both could not coexist, which I had no time to expound before he hopped off.

Retrospection

Thinking back, he has a point. People should not hinge their self-worth on belonging. But they also cannot ignore that feeling of exclusion. Ben would say that that is irrational, even silly, and I do agree to a large extent.
However, we know that although these feelings exists, human beings are rational creatures generally, so much so that we sometimes act against our feelings.
Suppression, repression, denial, frustration, self-doubt: All these are markers of this, symptoms, as it were, of our instinct-free decision making, and proof of the fact that "rationality" is exercised.
It often isn't as extreme: Most of us discount these 'nagging feelings', these afterthoughts, saying, "Don't think so much, it doesn't help." (I advocate and practise this myself). Yet in a most contradictory manner, this attempt to be "reasonable", to act "rationally", upon performing, becomes irrational!
As Dr Margaret Chan might ask, "Then are human beings rational or irrational in being rational?'
The strange dichotomy of it all is that we are both, yet we are none. Both, as I have entailed above. None, because we need to define what rationality is before we can analyse the question, and in defining one, we place the other as its anti-thesis, which simply put, "we cannot say, for aye or nay."

Introspection

When I revisit that talk we had, I notice my indifference, again, that strange contradiction that I say something as cruel as "Sometimes I feel left out" and inside, it is not hate, or anger, or self-pity i feel, but dullness. A complete disassociation of self from emotion.
I questioned myself all night, and wrestled with my thoughts.
Rightfully, a child who walks into a room full of other children playing together, is not hesitating at the door merely because he/she is afraid of exclusion, but perhaps, he/she feels the forcedness, the abruptness of intrusion.
I feel it.
And so, I reissue my statement.
Sometimes, I feel that I have intruded on you three.
And before you shower me with your whys, your theories, your philosophies, Ben:
I am aware of myself, and that is all.
This is a comment, for I think out loud, and that is all.
As an irrational rational being, I know the cause and consequence, the strange dynamics of my thought processes, the curves of cost and benefit of this. I am open to your suggestions: your beautiful insights, from your beautiful mind.
But my rationale for my comments is irrational. I am hardly in denial about that. And just like the rationale behind this blog, I don't need to be understood, I just need to be heard. And in return, I hope to hear your true thoughts too.
As you would say, it's how we all can stay close, and that child which I am knows this, that that feeling of intrusion will eventually fade away.

A Day Out With Lisa
...which of course, went well. Nicki-chan was supposed to join us, but she couldn't due to last minute commitments.
But to start at the start: I woke up at 5.30, hearing Wynne waking up for her bus. My bedsheets made me itch: and my sides were clammy, so I tossed and turned uncomfortably until I resigned to my fate and woke up with a sigh.
Ben (Tan) and I had IPR today (fantastic lesson!) and then went to man the Elections booth. Voting went quite well today: We managed to give away our SMU Bears in almost no time. Towards the end I met and managed to chat quite long with an old JC friend, Marcus today, and I think I blabbed on too long lol. Note to self: Talk less, listen more. One mouth, two ears, yesno? Following that was the outing with Lis which I had waited for for a long time.
We did our usual: Shopping and talking, fooling around Bugis. I didn't feel like shopping but there were loads of pretty things in the window, so I fed my eyes. I had to complain about some stuff to her, so we did it over genmachai and tiramisu. Heavenly.