Saturday, October 30, 2004
Packing up my stuff, getting ready for the move. My all, put in large cardboard boxes: My life examined, culled, labelled and segmented. I have been travelling back and forth in time today: Everything brings a little smile. To remember those angry moments I refused to smile in photos and when I wrote bitter journal entries, the funny skits we wrote to each other in school in letters hidden in our textbooks, the times I played the piano in the auditorium during recess, music filling the empty seats.
To eventually be filled with the growing realization that while I can never be that child, that innocent, that person anymore, the who I am now is the sum of all the people I have been before. That my heart no longer aches for the times that used to be, for people who were there. It is immaterial now. I have chosen to carry the fewest things I can, and trust all to fall into place.
After all, it will be a long journey, and from this point, it is time to move, is it not?
Apology to my corporate reporting girls: I am so sorry for making us late for the project :( Have learnt a valuable lesson: Time management, and never take on more than you can chew (especially if you leave yourself only one week to clear all the financial statements, ugh...)
Really really sorry girls, I cannot feel worse about things. Especially to Lorri: I felt really miserable knowing that I was the cause for your distress yesterday... So sorry, will avoid that in future, haha... forgive me pls?
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Cold October night. My dad was quite nasty in the morning, and told me I was a terrible person and argumentative and I would never find anyone who would take me because I was getting uglier by the year. I could have snapped, but it isn’t my style.
Ground-up
Body sprawled across in uneasy compliance:: Head twisted in non-conforming assent:: Eye watching in an endless gaze:: Her pose so graceless it was perfect::
She gave me the calmness that wouldn’t stay still while I held it in my hand:: Her expression was familiar but I couldn’t place it:: Till it struck me, beyond me, how we were two halves of a whole that was quartered::
I tried to make sense:: To quantify that last moment:: To capture the pain and examine it:: And then release it like wild butterflies::
But it proved senseless:: So barren was the meaning:: And bleak in outcome:: The horizon of forced acceptance reflected:: Through the eyes of the silenced::
So disjointed was her peace:: Disjointed like my heart:: Unyielding in my conformity:: Dead in its rebellion:: Watching in third person that which could not be said::
And dreamed unending dreams:: That some day it could be mended:: I remained articulately silent:: My halves, my whole:: Would be able to join::
I adopted a cute lil' baby jesus fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!